hormonal anxiety

Last night was quite a roller coaster. Let me explain My handsome husband Scottie is getting quite anxious for this little one of ours to arrive. So throughout the past few days he is always texting me at work asking "How are you feeling?" "Any contractions", etc. Last night he was really wanting to get things going because he just couldn't wait till Tuesday. He has taken me to eat spicy food, laughed with me while I did lunges and walked fifty flights of stairs, hung out with me while I walked on the treadmill etc. etc. etc.... and still nothing.

Well, last night while I was cooking up a scrumptious din din, I was having a few contractions here and there (like always) but they weren't consistent or getting worse or closer together. Nothing to worry about, I kept telling myself. So when I told Scottie that I felt pretty crappy, he asked me if he should go get the car seat ready and grab the hospital bag haha. I think he was just so excited that he couldn't take it anymore and from that point on he kept trying to get me to try new things to get our baby girl here. Me on the other hand was not having it. I think the realization of it all had finally hit me. Nine months is a long time but last night it all came crashing down. After a while he realized how nervous I had gotten about the whole transition of prego to mamo, ANNNND all the scary things of getting to that point (aka: contractions getting worse, labor, pushing, and the the whole recovery and zero sleep I will soon be getting). Just as he put his arm around me I started bawling!!! Unfortunately, Scottie was just being sweet and getting excited about his baby girl, but I on the other hand had a hormonal, terrifying, breakdown!

Scott laughs at me because he knows how frightened I am about pain or the fear of the unknown. I DO NOT like being in pain. In fact when I know it's coming, it's as if everything in my body shuts down. So you can understand what I mean, I will give you a little flash back....

About six years ago I got really sick and I found out that I had a blood disease that runs in my family. My dad, sister, grandma, uncle, and great grandpa all have the same blood disease known as Spherocitosis. After many doctors visits, we found out that I would have to undergo surgery to remove my spleen, gall baldder, & appendix. Due to the fact that my spleen was 8 lbs and the size of a small loaf of bread, I have a massive scar down the middle of my stomach so they could get it out. After returning home from the hospital my stomach hurt where my incision was. I figured it hurt because well, hello?? I had just been sliced down the middle and was missing three organs. No wonder it hurt? Well the only thing that made it feel better was to kind of hold my incision together and lean over. For some reason it offered relief.... until I noticed that my shirt was really wet. We called the doctor and he had us come in to have it checked out. From just looking at my incision he could tell that I needed to have it re-opened so he popped the top few stitches out like popcorn, while a 1/2 cup of puss came draining out. I had developed a staph infection. Sweet. He then told me that I would have to pack it with three feet of gauze twice a day using a long q-tip to reach to the bottom of my outrageously sore wound to prevent it from closing up while I doped up on antibiotics......for the next two months. Needless to say that he sent a home nurse to do it for me so I could understand the correct way to do it. I think her name was Betsy or something and even though she was really sweet she was NOT my favorite person. She would usually call about a 1/2 hour before she arrived to stuff my like a turkey and instantly I would have panic attacks because it hurt sooooooo bad. Due to my overwhelming reaction to the nurse's torture methods I was given a Valium to calm me down. This made life a little easier but those were probably the worst two months of my life. Hands down.

Now back to my story. As I was freaking out I resorted back to my old ways but this time I couldn't exactly pop in a Valium. I started taking deep breaths and blowing them out slowly. In order to slow down my breathing I do this weird thing with blowing my lips like a motor boat. That's when Scottie told me to just let it all out and indeed, I LET IT ALL OUT!! My small tears turned completely to loud sobs which turned into what I think was laughing and crying at the same time because I knew I was being ridiculous, but really I was scared to death. Poor Scottie didn't know what to do? I probably scared the crap out of him! He is now, I am sure, thinking of telling the doctor to knock me out and wake me up when the baby is here. I eventually calmed down after about 45 minutes and a whole roll of toilet paper. Hopefully it will be a smooth process and all will go well. I just have to remember that I'm not going through all of it with nothing in the end. I will eventually be holding my little girl in my arms which I am sure will make it all worth it. Until then I DO NOT want to hear anymore horror stories about labor & delivery.